Case #51 - Confronting a ghost

Leanne spoke about being very fearful. She was scared of cockroaches, could easily be startled, and at night sometimes found it hard to sleep, fearing theives coming in the window, or ghosts, or ‘monstors’. She also feared monstors when she went out in a boat.

Apart from anything else, this sounded like quite a child state, so I asked what happened to make her fearful when she was a child.

She immediately related an incident when she was 6. A boy, one of her very good friends, died by drowning. It was hours until he was discovered. He was brought back to her house, and his family insisted that her father, a doctor, try to revive him. He was unsuccessful.

It was storming that night, and she went to sleep very frightened. She then had a nighmare, that she had to save him but couldnt. She thought about him a lot when she was growing up, and still had a great deal of sadness about it.

So, this made it clear who the ‘ghost’ was that she was scared of.

I suggested a confronting but necessary experiment - using the drama of the moment, the intensity of her fear, and the present opporutnity to deal with it directly, for once and for all.

So I proposed that I stand next to her, facing the open window, and the group stand behind her for support. She would then invite the ghost of her young friend who died,  to come into the room in front of her. 

She did so, but she was trembling like a leaf. I let her lean against me, holding her tightly, and had the group close behind. I directed her to talk to the ‘ghost’, telling him what she felt, what she had been through, and how much she had missed him.

She did so, though it was difficult. She reported wanting to be with him, on the other side. 

I asked her how he replied to that, and she said he didnt want that. This was important for her to take in; even so there was still a residual longing on her part for death and to be close to him.

So I supported her to have more dialogue with him, really telling him how she felt, and really listening to his response.

I had to support her through her fear, and then grief. I directed her to breathe into her stomach, and down into her legs. 

In Gestalt we work with grounding and with breathing, to help the person stay present with their experience and with the intensity of emotion. Often there was not support at the time to do so, especially when young, so this allows them to get in touch with the experience which had previously been overwhelming, in a way which can now be digested.

It was very diffulct for her to stay present - she had spent the last 30 years living with fear, and breathing in a shallow way...which would then also reinforce the fear. So it was hard for her to breathe so deeply, and required a lot of support and instruction from me.

After some time she became very calm, was able to let the ghost go, and come fully back to herself, She felt more in her body than she ever remembered, and all traces of fear were gone.

Case #50 - Talking to pillows: about support

Mark raised a number of topics, but none seem to have much traction. His work situation was in transition - he previously worked with his father, but moved away from that. He had several business activites, but none making good enough money. He was married three years, and was ready for a baby. I made various comments and observations - the flowing sound of his voice for instance.

Nothing really seemed to twig as ‘an issue’. So I asked about his marriage. He reported it was good, and that he was happy.

Whilst this was a generally good indicator, I was interested in what this was made up of - the detail. In Gestalt we are always interested in moving away from generalisations, to specifics, as this is the way we achieve contact.

He found it hard to answer. I asked about his feelings, and again, he found it hard to be specific.

So I decided that the lack of a clear figure was related to his difficulty with in tuning into his feelings.

So I suggested an experiment - to go around and look at people in the group, one by one, and notice how he felt looking at each person.

He started telling me about his experience, in quite clear terms. So it was obvious he did have the capacity to identify his experience in relationship, but probably just needed encouragement and a supportive enviroment - something he confirmed.

So next I gave him a specific form to speak in: ‘When I look at you,  I feel _____’.

This sounds very simple, but its important to start at a place which is doable, and given his reported difficulty identifying his feelings, this seemed a good place to start. What I did is take a step from him describing his experience of others, to giving that to them directly. We always move in a relational direction in Gestalt.

So he did this with several people, each time, articulating quite clearly.

Again, this indicated that he just needed a supportive environent in which to do this.

So next, I put a pillow out, as his wife, and invited him to talk to her, in a similiar form: ‘when I see _____ in you, I feel _____’

He did this for some time, articulating clearly. I acknowledged this, encouraged him, and observed that he certainly had the capaicty to identify his feelings and communicate them.

I thought perhaps he just needed some good practice, in a non-threatening setting. He agreed.

Next I invited him to do the same thing with his father.

I pointed out that support seemed to be a key issue here, and invited him to again ‘talk to the pillows’ - firstly with his wife, then his father - telling them, ‘ when you do ____, I feel ____, and would like ___ support from you’.

This was very valuable for him, clarifying many content details, and he reported feeling very settled at the end.

This was a good example of a very behaviourally oriented experiment, which incorporated feelings, contact, authenticity, and support. These are the major elements we work with in Gestalt, and a session like that can be very valuable as something that almost looked like a coaching process.

Where it is appropriate, this aspect can also fit into the Gestalt approach. The main thing is its not a formula, and is applied for the particular person, with what kind of process they need, at that particular time.

Case #50 - Talking to pillows: about support

Mark raised a number of topics, but none seem to have much traction. His work situation was in transition - he previously worked with his father, but moved away from that. He had several business activites, but none making good enough money. He was married three years, and was ready for a baby. I made various comments and observations - the flowing sound of his voice for instance.

Nothing really seemed to twig as ‘an issue’. So I asked about his marriage. He reported it was good, and that he was happy.

Whilst this was a generally good indicator, I was interested in what this was made up of - the detail. In Gestalt we are always interested in moving away from generalisations, to specifics, as this is the way we achieve contact.

He found it hard to answer. I asked about his feelings, and again, he found it hard to be specific.

So I decided that the lack of a clear figure was related to his difficulty with in tuning into his feelings.

So I suggested an experiment - to go around and look at people in the group, one by one, and notice how he felt looking at each person.

He started telling me about his experience, in quite clear terms. So it was obvious he did have the capacity to identify his experience in relationship, but probably just needed encouragement and a supportive enviroment - something he confirmed.

So next I gave him a specific form to speak in: ‘When I look at you,  I feel _____’.

This sounds very simple, but its important to start at a place which is doable, and given his reported difficulty identifying his feelings, this seemed a good place to start. What I did is take a step from him describing his experience of others, to giving that to them directly. We always move in a relational direction in Gestalt.

So he did this with several people, each time, articulating quite clearly.

Again, this indicated that he just needed a supportive environent in which to do this.

So next, I put a pillow out, as his wife, and invited him to talk to her, in a similiar form: ‘when I see _____ in you, I feel _____’

He did this for some time, articulating clearly. I acknowledged this, encouraged him, and observed that he certainly had the capaicty to identify his feelings and communicate them.

I thought perhaps he just needed some good practice, in a non-threatening setting. He agreed.

Next I invited him to do the same thing with his father.

I pointed out that support seemed to be a key issue here, and invited him to again ‘talk to the pillows’ - firstly with his wife, then his father - telling them, ‘ when you do ____, I feel ____, and would like ___ support from you’.

This was very valuable for him, clarifying many content details, and he reported feeling very settled at the end.

This was a good example of a very behaviourally oriented experiment, which incorporated feelings, contact, authenticity, and support. These are the major elements we work with in Gestalt, and a session like that can be very valuable as something that almost looked like a coaching process.

Where it is appropriate, this aspect can also fit into the Gestalt approach. The main thing is its not a formula, and is applied for the particular person, with what kind of process they need, at that particular time.

Case #49 - The stiff doll, and the soft hands

Annabelle was distressed, very sad. She brought a little doll with her, with stiff little wooden arms. 

‘This is me’, she said. ‘My arms are stiff, like a Zombie. My heart is sad.’

She revealed that her parents fought terribly when she was growing up, and that created a lot of fear and frozenness in her. In her adult life she felt too tough, and wanted to find more softness. But the doll showed just how stiff she felt.

I listened deeply to her, and felt my heart very open - she was indeed very sad.

At the same time, I had a playful thought, that seemed almost irreverent - that of zombies walking around, in the kind of stupid-funny image one might get of zombies.

So I shared with her both my deep connection and care for her, as well as this crazy and playful thought about zombies. I didnt want to be disrespectful, but I also wanted to include this other part of me.

She was open to hearing this. I suggested that perhaps we might even play with this.

So we stood up and, side by side, walked around being zombies - walking towards people in the group. Most people were laughing along, enjoying the funny craziness. There were a few people who actually got scared, so we steered around them. Mostly though it was a silly-funny experience.

Annabelle sat down, and I sat facing her, attentive to how she was.

This experiment had softened her, opened her up even more. She sat with the little doll, feeling its little arms, talking about how stiff they were.. but  how, if she rubbed them, they might soften.

So I took this as a cue, and took both her arms with my hands and softly rubbed them. She clung onto my arms with her hands, like a small child seeking comfort. I looked at her to gauge how this was for her, and could see her softening. I continued rubbing her arms, and talked to her about softening. I could feel the intensity of the energy in her hands. So, as she reported her arms softening, I placed my hands face up in my lap, and allowed her to rub her hands against my hands, which she did, back and forth, slowly. I remarked on how much energy was in her hands. She was very deeply connected to her heart, her feelings, and stayed in contact with me during this process.

She talked about how each of my hands was one of her parents, separated, but both present. She touched each hand lovingly, and sadly. Then she got the little doll, and put its face on each of my fingers. Then she took the doll’s two arms, and put one connected to one of my hands, and the other arm connected to my other hand.

She said, even though my parents are separate, I can connect to both of them.

The moment was profound, her sadness changed quality from stuck and collapsed, to open hearted, and flowing. Her arms were relaxed, and every part of her was breathing, present, and connected.

This was a profound experience for her, as well as for me, and afterwards she felt a deep sense of peace and integration.

Case #48 - The witch, the money, and the sickness

Song-li had serious health issues over the last year. After several operations, nothing physical had helped much, and things had both got better, then worse. So the psychological was the next explanation. She had done various therapy pieces on the matter...so I was wary about not repeating them, and asked her directly what she had already addressed. Its not good to load too many different approaches onto the same problem, and this requires some careful professional judgement. 

If you go to a doctor, it might be good to get a second opinion, but probably not to get 4 or 5 - thats just confusing. To keep working on the same issue, with the same therapist can produce depth, but ‘shopping around’ can be counter productive. So I didnt want to just automatically dive into the issue.

I asked about the context - what had happened a year ago when she first started experiencing the health problems.  She related how she had been purchasing some paper ‘money’ used in China for burning, generally as memorial for someone. Her father had died 5 years previously, and she was buying it for this purpose.

As she was purchasing it a ‘witch’ (her words) had warned her not to buy too much or she would get sick. She immediately tried to return the purchase, but the shop would not take it back.

Soon after, her illness occurred.

I asked her about her relationship with her father. It had been close, nourishing, and she thought about him daily, often associating him with elements of her life, such as her son.

Finding out the circumstances of someone’s field can be important, rather than just going directly into the emotional issues. The context provides important information which can help guide the direction of the therapy.

So I asked more about the frequency of the thoughts - after 5 years, it seemed to me to be quite a focus, and indicating some kind of unfinished business.

She couldn't really answer what that was about, or even really how she felt when she thought of her father, though it appeared to be positive.

In further sessions it may be possible to go deeper into her awareness, but given the clear lack of entry, I didn't want to just probe, but rather stay with what she presented. This is one of the ways we dont push through ‘resistance’ in Gestalt.

So I sat for some time, taking in what she had said.

I wanted to use the structures she had in place already - the money, the witch, and her (almost) obsession with thinking of her father.

So I proposed to her some homework - an extended Gestalt experiment.

I suggested she purchase one single piece of the paper money. I enquired, and she had a picture of her father on her computer. So I told her that every single day, at the same time, she could use scissors to cut a tiny piece off of the paper money, put it on a burner, turn on the computer picture of her father, ask him to bless her life, and then close the picture.

This is what in brief therapy is known is ‘prescribing the symptom’, and is paralleled in Gestalt by the ‘Paradoxical theory of change’. Being more fully with what is.

She wanted more - clearly an extension of her restless seeking of more therapy on this topic, as well as an isomorph of what the witch had warned her about - ie, don't be greedy for get too much ‘stuff’ of value - as represented by the money.

Nevertheless, I noted her restlessness, and would consider it for further work at another time.

She was on sick leave, so I asked about how she spent her day. She was at home, and basically had 8 hours in which she cooked, rested, and went for walks.

I asked if there were any social issues which mattered to her, and she replied in the negative.

So I suggested that she find a service project that she would like to start up, and establish it in the name of her father.

This changes his symbolism, as a springboard to life and engagement, rather than dwelling on illness, death, and disengagement. It also gave her something positive to focus on during the day - something ‘to live for’.

Case #47 - The end of a relationship is a new beginning

This couple had been struggling for some time.

The first thing Rhonda said in the session was - ‘my parents divorced, and I promised myself I would never ever do that to a family I created’. She was extremely distressed. Brian put his arm around her, but she pulled away. 

I asked him to move opposite her so they could see each other.

The second thing she said was, ‘I am done. I cant go on anymore. This relationship is over for me.’

Brian was shocked. He told her he had heard her say this many times before, and he had been working hard to make changes over the previous few months. He started to explain this...I stopped him. Explaining is seen as a way of avoiding the ‘what is’, from a Gestalt perspective.

I asked him to just tell her what he felt. After a lot of support, he told her he felt panicked and abandoned. He started crying.

She sat there for some time, not saying anything. When I prompted, she said she was blank; it was too much emotionally, and she had exited her awareness. In Gestalt, we don't push someone when this point arises.

So I worked more with him - explaining that she was not available, so no point continuing to push; I sat with him in his feelings, and help him be with himself in that place. I acknowledged how he was feeling, how terrible it was for him in this place, and how it was hard that she had ‘pulled the shutters down’ and was not available at all for him in this hour of need and distress. 

Then Rhonda looked at him, with tears in her eyes. She said - this happened with your mother, and your ex wife, I never wanted to do this to you.

He broke down, and pulled into himself. I encouraged him to stay present, and see that she now had tears, she had become available, and to acknowledge the connection in that moment. This was very hard for him. 

He told her he felt guilty, he felt he had failed, and he started to move into talking about how he wanted to keep trying. But I stopped him, because there was no emotional space from her for any talk of the future.

I then asked asked if she could take that what he said. She looked blank - so I suggested she tell him she had no room to take that in - this was the emotionally true statement from her.

It was very hard for him to hear that. I supported him to reflect that back  to her. Her response was to note the anger, resentment and sadness she saw in his eyes. So I asked him to name what each of those emotions was about for him.

She listened, but then said, I don’t want to keep going, and I feel terrible, because I know this is so hard for you. 

Brian just shut down, pulled into himself, and I could see was not available. I suggested he tell her that he wasn't able to hear her in the present, but it was hard for him to even do that. 

So I told her to talk to me. This is a technique in couples therapy - to support one person, if the other is unavailable, so the pressure is off, and the other person can just be a witness. 

Rhonda said she wanted to give him lots of time to accept this situation, and I told her I thought he would probably never accept it. He loved her, and was not likely to give up. This was a bit of a shock for her.

So I drew out more of her feelings and personal statements. 

Then Brian became available, and she told him she felt very guilty, and was very sorry. They cried together. He wanted to move closer, but she said - no, please keep your distance. 

I asked her about this, she said she didn’t love him anymore. I challenged this statement - its based on a faulty idea of love as purely a feeling. Instead I asked her to make it a personal statement. She said,’ I have shut down my feelings’. 

This was a key statement, as it then becomes about action, choice, and volition. 

But this was not the time to work with that - simply the acknowledgment of that was then an entry into future choice possibilities. 

So I asked him to acknowledge he heard that, and to tell her his feelings. He managed to do so, and they both cried. 

However, something had shifted. In the midst of the impossible - and who knows the future - they had managed to have some profound authentic contact. They had both reached a place of overwhelm, but with my support to the one still on board at those times, they were able to keep going, and be together in this place of loss and despair.

The ultimate outcome was unknown. But the Gestalt focus is on achieving this profound authentic contact; this  becomes a bedrock of real relationship - the thing that was clearly missing to date.

Case #46 - Fun with maggots

Felicity talked about having nightmares. We don’t apply pre-set interpretations to dreams in Gestalt, but nightmares are often about aggression; we see all aspects of a dream are about the dreamer, so nightmares are related to one’s own aggression.

Felicity’s dream, which would reoccur in different forms, went like this:

She was in the basement, and farming maggots. There were hundreds of thousands of them.

Then, in the next scene, she was throwing up maggots - her whole body was full of them. She managed to throw them all up, except for one.

Now, just looking at the dream, you could have a field day with interpretations. At the most basic level, the basement is what lies underneath, and the maggots evidently refer to something pretty rotten in the person.

BUT, we don’t even go this far in Gestalt. 

We just stay with what is, the person’s experience, and their own meaning as it forms experientially.

So I invited Felicity to speak for each role. As a maggot, she talked about being fat, lazy, and powerless.

The sole maggot left inside her voiced that it as wanting to get out as well. 

The next thing to do was play it out. So I joined her, and we played out being maggots, walking around.

I talked about the fact we all have some maggots inside - the things we just don’t want to reveal to others. 

I spoke about some of mine - my nastiness in certain circumstances, and I gave her some examples.

In exposing very difficult material, its important for the therapist to lead the way.

At first she was reluctant to identify anything like that in herself. I noticed the expression on her face - a sort of innocent-girl kind of pout. I remarked on what I saw, and played it back to her. 

I commented - well, thats not the look of someone who has maggots inside of them!

This confronted her with the persona she projects, and brought her to a willingness to be more authentic. 

She named some aspects of herself that were maggot-like, and I acknowledged how hard that was for her. Then she put on the same face. This time I pointed out the immediate incongruity, as if she were trying to discount what she had just shared.

This raised her awareness in a very immediate way about her disowning process. Gestalt awareness is always about immediacy - leading to knowledge of who am I, right now.

I then invited the group to share their own ‘maggot selves’. This further reduced the shame of exposure for Felicity, and created a bonding in the group, sharing our deeper secret selves, and having some fun in the process.