|
I told Rosemary that I wanted to get to know her. She came with a very open and positive attitude towards me. She said she wanted to know something beautiful about me. This I found a difficult question - somehow easier to answer a question that requires me to be self critical. Nevertheless, this was her request, and so I looked into myself - and told her that I am an open person that people felt very comfortable around - which is true. She told me that something similar was true of her. I said - 'well, then its going to be easy for us to get along'. This affirmed our similarity, and created a sense of joining. She visibly relaxed. In fact she sort of curled into herself, as if about to lie down…she told me she felt dizzy. Given there was clearly a connection between us, and that her movement suggested that some kind of support was missing, I invited her to lean against me, rather than simply collapse into herself. This takes a movement that is 'retroflected' -that is directed back to self rather than to the other. So in Gestalt we encourage this to be directed into relationship. So I sat next to her, and she leaned her head against me - in the same way and with the same movement that her falling over had been. I reported my feeling of warmth in the connection and asked hers. She was relaxing, but also afraid of rejection. So she was not fully letting the warmth in - only as far as her skin. She spoke of feeling 'chilled' inside. This indicated that she was active in the process of rejection - something that she had put onto me as a fear. It also showed a polarity - warmth and cold. So I invited her to talk about her own rejecting process - she said that her fear was about the future, about the loss of connection. Clearly, this was her method of not being fully present. Rather than look for the field context, I drew her into the present, and into our relationship. I asked her to become fully present, and notice where her fear was, between us. This is often the direction we take in Gestalt - into the here and now of the therapeutic relationship. She said her feeling was 'can't fully take this in'. I invited her to put this in a relational statement to me - 'I will only let you in so far before pushing you away'. This was the authentic statement we aim for in Gestalt - it increases the quality of contact. I asked her to feel the combination of warmth in the contact, and her coldness inside. She talked about it as 'coming and going'. I remarked - 'so we are going to have a complicated relationship'. This was a way of giving a larger frame to the process - the push and pull which was clearly a part of Rosemary's way of being in relationship. In Gestalt we are interested in being with 'what is' rather than jumping in to change it. In this case, with her internal contradictions, I indicated I was willing to be in relationship with that complexity rather than be put off by it, and reject her.
Sally admitted to being a bitch. She would easily berate her husband. There were many things about him that infuriated her. His lack of responsibility with money and his lack of career drive was one of those things. Sally would quickly reach her limit in conversations, blowing up at him. She hated the repetitive nature of the situations. He would offer what she considered to be his paltry excuses, and she felt like she was pushing him, rather than him having any drive himself. He seemed to be quite incompetent to her, and would not respect spending limits or other agreements they made. He was clearly passive aggressive, and essentially disrespectful of boundaries. However, she was the client, and it was her that I needed to work with. Often when dealing with one person in a marriage, a large laundry list of grievances will be brought by them. These are valid, as are their feelings about the issues. However, what matters, and what I focus the client on, is where their responsibility is. I bring it back to them, to what they need to do differently. Often they are so focused on the other person's faults that they see their own as secondary. All their efforts go into changing their partner. In Sally's case, bringing it back to her revealed a number of things. Firstly, her explosions were quite emotionally violent, and contributed to an atmosphere of alienation. Secondly, when not exploding, she was in avoidance mode. When she felt strongly about something she would either sob too much to be able to talk, or she would stop herself saying anything before the tears came out. In this way, she prevented herself talking through important issues, and would freeze herself emotionally. This resulted in her freezing him out, not responding to his affection for instance. These were important themes to work with, and were her part of the negative dynamic. Its important to not get caught up with the stories people tell about their marriages and partners. The important information is what they do to contribute to the dynamic. This is the Gestalt emphasis on responsibility; it takes an especially strong focus on this from the therapist to bring it back to the client. In her case, we started with her response to him when he did approach her in a warm and friendly way. She would pull back. In this was her resentment, and also her feeling of ungroundedness - she couldn't manage the feelings that came up, both positive and negative, and hold onto herself. In couples, it is very important to work with what is called differentiation - the capacity to be fully yourself, and at the same time, be close to the other. Gestalt pays attention to boundaries, and this helps to do this. In this case, she was not able to be close, and yet stay in touch with herself, and her feelings. So I suggested an experiment. I would play her husband, and she would simply work to stay grounded in her feelings. I asked for a particular phrase that he used, when being friendly. I repeated this to her, and supported her to stay present, breathe, and then talk about her feelings. This was very basic work, yet this is often the kind of support people need in their relationships. The embodied experiment is important, rather than just talking about it. The Gestalt 'safe emergency' allows us to bring up the difficult and provocative situation, but bring lots of support into it, so something different can happen. The result of this, over a number of sessions, was that Sally learned to hold onto herself. She took the support from the sessions, and could start to support herself in these situations, to just remain with herself. Before even learning to communicate what was happening for her, she first needed to get to first base. In Gestalt work we are satisfied to work very slowly, as it is in the slow work, with plenty of support, that integration occurs. Simply confronting someone with their responsibility is too harsh on its own. What is necessary is providing the kind of support they don't have, in order that they can indeed take the steps towards responsibility and differentiation.
Numi had had what seemed to be very strong emotional reactions to others in the group - not negative, but very sensitive. She had also, in her feedback, tended to tell a large and very big story about herself. So when it came to working with her, I remarked on this. I remarked on her big stories, and the big emotions that she showed. She started talking about her history, which I was interested in. She had been on medication, so I asked her about what had happened so she had to go on medication. She started going into the story in very great details. The story was important and there were many big events that helped me understand what had led to her taking medication. However, the stories led, one to the other, and I we could have sat there all day while she told me stories all day about her distress, her life, what had happened, her difficulties. In Gestalt, stories have value, but what we are more interested in is coming into the here and now, working with the experiment and attending to the relationship. So I interrupted her and said, 'I am having an experience right now of getting lost in your stories, and I often have that experience with you'. She started going into another story and I said, 'I am getting lost right now, and need to find a different way to connect with you'. So instead of criticising her, telling her to do something different, I was telling her about me, about my difficulties. This is the dialogical approach. Her habit was to tell stories, rather than communicate directly and interpersonally. So I guided her to firstly contact her feelings. She told me she felt shaky. I then connected this to our relationship, in the present. I asked her what it was about the experience with me that felt shaky. She replied that she felt comfortable with me, though she was concerned about judgements I might have about her stories. I gave her one of my judgements - I thought that she had suffered a lot, and at the same time, I thought that she had managed to survive some very difficult circumstances. Although many people think therapy is non-judgemental, this is a very limited view. Judgements are part of most human interactions; what is important in Gestalt is being able to make clear choices about when and where to bring in judgements - in service of the client. And to identify my own thoughts of judgements clearly and precisely, and articulate them in ways that contain information about myself. She relaxed some more, and I invited her to come fully into the present of our experience. She tended to be so lost in her own stories, subsequently losing the listener, that it was a new experience for her to come into the actual experience of relationship, especially one that was non-threatening. This in itself was a healing experience.
Tilda had problems with jealousy. She did not appear to have a tragic childhood. Her parents were supportive, as were her grandparents. She was finding her way in life, she was creative and energetic. But when it came to relationship, her jealousy had become quite an issue. She described the jealousy as cold, and the anger that accompanied it as hot. Well, that made some sense. Tilda described the hot and cold as coming in bursts. She said it felt like 'ice trays' in her gut. In Gestalt we call this retroflection - directing energy inwards, that wants to go out. So I invited her to send out a cold wave, and direct it to her partner - this is what she was implicitly doing, so this represented ownership of her action. She said she felt no control, it had to get out, because she felt so horrible, but she also didnt want to freeze her partner out. So I asked her to imagine him standing in the desert, a very very hot place, and send her ice cold energy out there. She could feel the ice melting. This brought together her polarities - hot and cold waves. She started feeling pain in her chest. This was a good sign, as this is what lay underneath the jealousy and anger. I asked her to stay with that feeling. She talked about her confusion -caring for him, yet wanting to hurt him. I asked her to imagine him in front of her, and say both things: 'I care for you, and I want to hurt you', and to stay in touch with her pain as she did so. She started sobbing. This was the authentic feeling underneath the scorching anger and freezing jealousy. After some time, she felt more settled, and was able to ammend her sentence to him: 'when I dont have your full attention, thats really painful for me'. This opened up a deeper topic, related to the topic of differentiation - the ability to be fully oneself, in closeness with others. When people experience fusion, or 'confluence' in Gestalt terms, they find it hard to have a sense of themselves separate from the other. They need confirmation for their own sense of self. Of course, we all need some of that in relationship. But when that need becomes a 'have to', then we lose our independent existence, and essentially impose a 'should' on the other person. Classically, Gestalt would simply confront the client with their responsibility to be fully themselves. In contemporary relational Gestalt we are more willing to respond in, at times, a parental type of way, giving the kind of confirmation that the person may have been lacking, and still long for. This is done, not in the sense of regression, but in the here and now, so it becomes an experience which can be integrated into the person, in the present.
 Marlene came forward. This was my first encounter with her. I said - I am interested to get to know you, and this is a two way process, so I would also like to hear your curiosities about me. In Gestalt we are oriented towards a horizontal relationship, developing mutuality, and that includes the client knowing about me, as much as I know about them. This has to be done carefully of course, so that I am not inundating them with information about me, nor inappropriately disclosing more than they are comfortable with, nor doing so for my own needs. This is about enhancing contact and creating the grounds for deepening relationship. So Marlene made some observations about me, and asked some questions (e.g. about the ring on my necklace). I told her some things about myself, and asked about her as well. This is more naturalistic than the therapist driving forward with personal questions, where only the client is exposed. It also creates a ground for safety. I told her the ring was connected to my birthplace, England. Marlene told me she grew up in the mountains until she was 20, in an isolated place, without running water, or any houses nearby. The environment was completely beautiful, and dangerous - snakes and other wild creatures to contend with. She grew up resourceful, competent and capable. She expressed this with a gesture of her arms, open wide, and a wonderful sound 'aaaahhh'. This was expansiveness embodied. She then joined the rest of the world, and wanted to learn to fit in. It was hard for her, as the expectations of being a woman were that she was coy, delicate, and femmine in that sense. Her fearlessness didn't really fit into that. Nevertheless, she wanted to learn to fit in, to be part of society, to discover a different sense of herself as a woman. In her marriage she found ways to do this. She was very conscious about playing a role, being dutiful (as a choice) towards her in laws, and constraining her expansiveness. I asked her for what that gesture was. She made a small circle with her hands, moving towards each other, and a sound 'ooohh', with the cadence going down. I asked how she felt. She said, patient. This is not strictly a feeling, but indicates a state of being. A chosen state for her. This was important to acknowledge, because of its importance to her. And at the same time, I was also interested in her as a person inside her dutifulness and patience. But this was not something she was ready to reveal to me. So I said - 'when I see your gesture of expansiveness, I feel excitement. When I see your gesture of fitting in, I feel sad'. This is not a commentary on her. Its a genuine statement of me, as a separate being. She may not feel sad, but I do - thats about my values, which may be different to hers. This is also contact. In Gestalt contact is about meeting, often at difference, as well as the joining of similarity. I asked Marlene her experience in the present. She said 'clarified'. There was a lightness about her manner. She experienced being seen, and met in these places. Just as she was. Further exploration and sessions could unpack much of this, both the context, as well as the experience. But for now, this was a powerful meeting. In Gestalt we are less about trying to do something, trying to get somewhere, and more about being present with what is, with the person as they are. In this place, healing can take place, and new possibilities can open up, of their own accord. This we call the Paradoxical Theory of Change.
Carlita saw herself with two choices, and she was confused. On the one hand she was considering going into politics. On the other hand, she wanted to just 'follow her bliss', and see where life took her, without agendas. We used a field-mapping process, drawing up all the elements of the situation - and beyond - on a board. This is a way of incorporating the complexity of the field into dealing with decisions like this. So we mapped many different elements - the pressure from her parents and family to make a mark on the world. Messages from her boss to the effect that she should pursue what was going to get her ahead in life, not necessarily what she really wanted to do. Included on the map were the things she enjoyed doing - going out, having fun, dancing. I asked how old she was - in her late 20's. This helped me place her in the context of developmental stages. Dragging down on her from the past, was the pain associated with an abortion, at a time she didn't think she was ready for motherhood. She said she learned from this that she needed to follow what her heart told her, rather than what she thought about major life decisions. I sat with her for a little while, with the pain that talking about this brought up for her. I felt warmly towards her. I saw her as a bright young woman, full of determination and passion, with a lot to contribute, but not quite having found her groove. She was about the age of my eldest daughter. As an older man, I wanted to be able to give her something. I told her so. The authorities in her life - father, boss, family, were all pushing her to fit certain agendas. So I saw the gift I could give was permission to be herself, no matter what direction she took in her life. I formulated a statement to her, contrary to the one from her boss. I said 'I recognise your strengths, your potentials, and I want to see you follow your own deep knowing'. This touched her profoundly, and gave her a strength (and approval) to find her own best way. Ironically, by doing this, I was using the therapeutic relationship to empower her, by bringing in some of my 'authority'. Traditionally in Gestalt the emphasis was on self support, and signals of approval would be very much discouraged, as potentially making the client 'dependant' on the therapist. Whilst caution needs to be exercised, in relational psychotherapy, it can be appropriate to 'live out' the relationship, including some version of the authority role - therapist, or father substitute - in a way which does empower the client. In this case, by providing messages to Carlita that supported her autonomy, I provided a counteracting force to the authoritative messages which suggested that she should follow other people's agendas.
Brad had been a catholic priest for 10 years. He had left the priesthood a year previously, and was not studying for a new profession. He felt good in his choices, but did not feel he could get close to women in an intimate way. He wanted to find a partner, and raise a family. But the leftover from his priest experience was an automatic distancing from closeness with women, or at least from their sexuality.
The message from the church that he had swallowed - 'introjected' - was that women were 'bad', in that way. This was obviously unhelpful for his present life and future plans, but it was not something that was easily changed.
So I asked him about his father, as I wanted to gauge the attitude towards women in his family. In Gestalt we explore both direct experience, and the context (or Field) of that experience.
He said that his father had actually studied for the priesthood for many years, though he had not taken that step in the end, but got married instead.
This provided a resource in his Field, which I draw on. I pointed out that his father had obviously not found women 'bad', but in fact, had embraced the goodness of sexuality with a woman, and hence Brad's birth into the world.
This was a strong reference point, that could clearly be used to help Brad in his own transition. I asked how long it had take his father after leaving his priest studies, to get married.
Brad replied - 2 years.
I asked Brad how long he had been out of the priesthood - he said 1 year.
This gave me an opportunity to cue in the 'future of the field' - a Gestalt process where we bring the future into the present in the form of an experiment.
I said 'well it looks like its going to take you 2 years as well. Only one year to go. So lets have a rehearsal for when that year is up'. This took the pressure off Brad having to make the transition all at once, gave him a time frame (that sounded realistic and appropriate to me), and gave him some hope that things would change over time.
So I suggested that a woman come out of the group and sit in front of him, for this 'rehearsal'.
She just had to sit there, being present.
I got him to hold up one hand pushing her away (the hand he had used when originally talking about the church idea that woman were 'bad'), and then hold the other hand open to her, in an accepting position. He did this silently at first. He felt a little uncomfortable on both fronts. He found it hard to really take her in, and he also found it hard to let down his guard.
So I could see we needed to do some grounding work.
I asked him about the things that a woman might do to him that were 'bad', and cued those in - she might betray him, she might hurt him etc. In this way, I was converting his abstract fears into more grounded ones - she might indeed do those things to him.
So I got him to make those statements direct to her - 'I am afraid that you might hurt me, or betray me'.
The woman was able to acknowledge - 'yes, I might do those things'.
But then she spontaneously added 'it depends on how you treat me'.
This gave him an important, grounded, and potentially empowering clue - it rested on his choices.
He was then able to let his hand down. The issue was now about his own behaviour, which he did have control over. We always look in Gestalt for places where someone can move from trying to control others, or feeling powerless in relation to them, to a position where they feel the power of their own choice.
However, there was still something blocking him taking her in now.
I asked if he had been through a formal ritual of leaving the priesthood. He said the process was not complete, but that he felt that he had left it.
I was not satisfied with this. Formal processes have profound meaning - divorce, and in this case, getting his final paper from the pope. Until that point, he was not formally 'available'. I asked how much longer that may take - he said, about a year.
This was clear then. Until that point, he would not feel completely free.
So I again suggested the notion of a rehearsal (...an example of a Gestalt experiment).
I folded up a piece of paper, and as the 'papal representative' I handed it to him, as a preview of the experience of getting his final paper.
I then invited him to notice what he felt sitting opposite the woman.
He reported feeling a kind of warmth.
'Thats it' I said. 'Thats all you need to do, is feel that warmth, and it will develop naturally from there'. The woman also reported feeling more connection with him.
This piece of work involved references to the field in a number of ways, which helped support, highlight, and direct the process. With such a formal thing as a priest role, there are many external and contextual aspects which also need to be taken into account, above and beyond the specific feelings of the person.
|
|
|
