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 Wendy came up enthusiastically. She seemed very nervous, and asked me what she was supposed to do. I explained that I was not going to direct her. She mentioned that her parents had many strong ideas of what she should do. Clearly, she was trying to queue me in to the role of directing her; already there was a lot of information I received about her field.
Instead, I focused on the present: I reported what I saw - her black and white chequered jacket, a black and white shirt, her jeans, boots, and square glasses.
This kind of noticing the obvious has several benefits. Its grounding, for me, and the client, and brings us into the present. Its a way of making contact, allows the person to be seen, without interpretation; and it can invite their own meaning making to emerge.
In Wendy's case, she offered up that she chose dark colours in clothes, because she thought thats what other people would like. Again, she asked me what I wanted her to do now. I again declined. She was clearly very other-oriented.
I told her instead that I was interested in her 'dark side' - following on from the dark colours she said she chose.
I shared with her some details about my own 'dark side'. She then told me that in fact she would prefer to buy bright colours, but wanted to fit in.
She clearly had a big issue about doing what others wanted.
I could have gone into this, and into her parents expectations etc. But she was so extremely oriented in this way, I wanted to do something significantly different.
So I told her I was intersted in her inner world, her authentic self: her colourful preferences. I asked what colours she would pick if she bought the clothes she wanted. She named several colours. I asked the best one - she chose green (which had been the first one she mentioned).
So I asked her to have a little fantasy picture involving the colour green. Her picture was: a willow tree by a river.
I invited her to imagine herself as the willow, and decribe herself. She said 'I am beautiful'
I then told Wendy, 'I am interested in your beauty'.
I asked her to come into her body, and into the connection with me. I said this again: 'I am interested in your beauty'. She had not realised I was talking to her, as she had simply been identified as the tree in the fantasy.
She laughed, and tried to squirm out of the experience. I asked her to stay present, stay with me in connection, and stay with her feelings.
I repeaated again: 'I see your beauty'.
(I will note that Wendy was not an outwardly beautiful woman in the normal sense of the word. So this was not a description of her appearance, but of her inner self).
She found it hard to stay present, and take this in, but she tried for a little while.
I asked her to feel her own beauty as we stayed looking at each other. This was very challenging for her, and after a while she shifted the conversation.
It was clear that was as much as she could take in.
I was doing what we refer to in Gestalt as 'following the figure'. Starting with the outer figure of her clothes colours, and then following on with the figure of her authentic choice - the real Wendy - the colour green, her beauty. In this way, I am following the flow of her awareness. I am interested the points at which the client interrupts their awareness - in the first instance, its the orientation to what other's want. But once we got past that interruption, the flow evolved naturally until the next interruption - being with her 'colour', her beauty. Whilst I could then work with this interruption, its important to also respect the natural limit someone reaches, and return to the subject another time.
 As Chanelle sat down, she commented on being distracted by something in the room which was out of place. She talked about how her attention often wandered; it was hard for her to stay focused on something. She said she was often not fully present, or not for very long.
I shared with her my own 'fog', especially when I woke up, but also at other times during the day, when I would drift off a little.
I asked how present she felt right now, with me, and commented that for me, it was about 85% - and told her about the 15% which was going on in the back of my mind. She said she was about 80% present.
I told her that some mornings I was only 30% present, and asked about her.
She said, with her husband, she was often 0% present.
I asked her feelings - sadness.
I commented that to have intimacy required one to be present, so it seemed there was a lack of intimacy in her relationship.
Chanelle was a little surprised - she had equated intimacy with what you do in relationship, not how you are.
I pointed out that to be present required a sense of being in ones body, and senses…so this could be a good place to start.
To give an example, I told her some of the things I saw when I looked at her - without evaluation, simply reporting to her. This engages the senses, what we call the 'outer zone' in Gestalt. It is present centred, moving away from projections into the future or past.
I invited her to tell me what she saw.
She talked about my socks, which were colourful and had a flag on them. I told her something of my personal context, related to that.
I checked in with her feelings. She sad she felt numb, with some pain in her shoulders. Staying with this, breathing more deeply, she started to feel some pain in her heart - a sense of contraction. As she told me this, she showed me by making a fist. I got her to stay with the fist, and she talked about feeling angry; as she squeezed her fist, she felt it more deeply.
I asked her to look at me, and show me how angry she felt.
She did that, and then reported that she couldn't focus on me anymore - a sign she had reached a limit.
She sighed…as I brought this to her attention, she got in touch with her sadness…she had an image of a white boot.
Then this was replaced by an image she had of thorns.
She reported feeling much more peaceful.
These thorns clearly indicated that there was more anger to be processed, but this was enough for now.
Not all things can be solved, all at once!
Finally we spoke about intimacy, with her husband, and the ways in which that could increase the intimacy without 'doing' anything different, but just being fully present with herself, and then the other person.
She had an experiential understanding of this now, as well as a clear path to the unfinished business of anger and sadness which was absorbing her attention away from being present.
 Alexis spoke of being shy. She said 'I am often in my world, others in theirs'.
As we conversed about this, she described how even her husband talked about her not letting him in.
I asked about her daughter, who was 20 months old. Alexis said her daughter was very similar to her, very shy.
I shared with her that I also had an inner world that, despite my apparent outgoingness, others rarely had access to.
I then asked about her daughter again…Alexis said that there were two things which worked in terms of connecting with her daughter: firstly getting the right distance - not overwhelming her; and secondly, proximity - being close enough as she needed comfort.
These two paramaters gave me the keys to Alexis.
I invited her to stand up with me, and find the right place spatially in relation to me - expressing the right mix of distance and proximity - I used her exact language, that she had talked about in terms of her daughter's needs.
She moved around in order to find find the right place in terms of distance from me, and then she came and stood slightly behind me, so I couldnt quite see her, but at the same time very close to me, just touching.
I felt a wave of emotion, as did she. I felt deeply touched, at this interaction, wordless though it was. I shared that with her. After some time she then moved around in front of me, and reached out her hands. We stood there, holding hands, for a long time. The moment was exquisite, and profoundly moving.
This is the potential of Gestalt therapy, to move with the wave of awareness, with a minimum of words, and a maximum of grace. To explore the edge of contact - what we call 'good contact'. To find the balance between respectful space, and yearned-for closeness. This can lead to such encounters which we term the I-thou.
Such experiences are transformative. Not in some intellectual way, of purely 'insight', or 'understanding', or advice or explanation. This is experiential learning at its best - to actually participate in the Gestalt experiment, as we call it, the 'safe emergency', which is intense enough to be real, to take people to their edge, but not so much as to overwhelm.
Alexis has had a life time issue with her shyness. Now her daughter is also shy. But in her daughter's vulnerability and simplicity, its apparent to Alexis what is needed. This provides the keys for what Alexis needs. An experience of this kind of contact is nourishing and healing, and in adult life, rare. Gestalt offers the opportunity to provide the space for such moments. We can't engineer them, just be present, be with the client, and set up an experiment with the right ingredients.
 Alexis spoke of being shy. She said 'I am often in my world, others in theirs'.
As we conversed about this, she described how even her husband talked about her not letting him in.
I asked about her daughter, who was 20 months old. Alexis said her daughter was very similar to her, very shy.
I shared with her that I also had an inner world that, despite my apparent outgoingness, others rarely had access to.
I then asked about her daughter again…Alexis said that there were two things which worked in terms of connecting with her daughter: firstly getting the right distance - not overwhelming her; and secondly, proximity - being close enough as she needed comfort.
These two paramaters gave me the keys to Alexis.
I invited her to stand up with me, and find the right place spatially in relation to me - expressing the right mix of distance and proximity - I used her exact language, that she had talked about in terms of her daughter's needs.
She moved around in order to find find the right place in terms of distance from me, and then she came and stood slightly behind me, so I couldnt quite see her, but at the same time very close to me, just touching.
I felt a wave of emotion, as did she. I felt deeply touched, at this interaction, wordless though it was. I shared that with her. After some time she then moved around in front of me, and reached out her hands. We stood there, holding hands, for a long time. The moment was exquisite, and profoundly moving.
This is the potential of Gestalt therapy, to move with the wave of awareness, with a minimum of words, and a maximum of grace. To explore the edge of contact - what we call 'good contact'. To find the balance between respectful space, and yearned-for closeness. This can lead to such encounters which we term the I-thou.
Such experiences are transformative. Not in some intellectual way, of purely 'insight', or 'understanding', or advice or explanation. This is experiential learning at its best - to actually participate in the Gestalt experiment, as we call it, the 'safe emergency', which is intense enough to be real, to take people to their edge, but not so much as to overwhelm.
Alexis has had a life time issue with her shyness. Now her daughter is also shy. But in her daughter's vulnerability and simplicity, its apparent to Alexis what is needed. This provides the keys for what Alexis needs. An experience of this kind of contact is nourishing and healing, and in adult life, rare. Gestalt offers the opportunity to provide the space for such moments. We can't engineer them, just be present, be with the client, and set up an experiment with the right ingredients.
 Liila talked about a previous relationship she had 12 years ago.
But before she continued sharing, she turned to the group and asked people to not take any photos of her.
I commented that she was taking care of herself.
I asked her what kind of care she might want from me in the process - this is bringing her directly into relationship with me.
I asked her feelings - they were in her chest.
As she stayed with her feelings, Liila talked about two forces - which she demonstrated with her fists - attraction and stopping. The first were pushing into each other.
I invited her as an experiment to have a conversation between the firsts.
They continued to be locked - both in the conversation between them, and in her physically pushing them together.
This is what we refer to as the 'impasse' in Gestalt.
So I asked her to intensify the pressure - push the fists harder into each other. In Gestalt we often exaggerate experiences, to highlight awareness.
She became tired. Then the 'stopping' arm just let go, and the 'attraction' arm moved up, open, in a reaching out position.
The 'stopping' fist said 'I am tired, I am just letting go now'.
The other fist - now an open hand, remained open, and she held that position for some time.
I asked what happened with the stopping force - she said, 'I have let go'.
But I pointed out the stopping force also had something valid to say, and I asked her to give that a voice. I suggested that this stopping fist was a self protective force, stopping her from reaching out and getting hurt again, being too vulnerable.
I pointed out that remaining - as she was doing - in an open/longing/reaching-out position too long would also tire out her arm.
So I reached my arm out, to hold that hand which was open.
I said - 'this is the connection you are reaching out for. If you dont get met soon enough, your self protectiveness is useful. But if it stops you reaching out altogether, then you miss out on bringing your longing into relationship.'
We stayed there for some time - a place of deep connection.
This brought her many awarenesses...
I brought myself into relationship with her at the point when she took a step into her vulnerability. Rather than just 'facilitate' her, I included myself, and closed the gap. This is an example of utilising the internal dynamics a personal have, for the purpose of brining them more deeply into the experience of relationship.
 Frank was nervous, so I invited him to ask me a question. I often prefer to take the focus off of the client, and put it onto myself. A good way to do this is to stop asking the client questions, and ask them to question me.
Frank wanted to know how I dealt with traveling so much - the changes in time zones etc, and still keep healthy. I explained some of the factors - I enjoy travel, am flexible, meditate and have a good diet.
I also said, 'I like change and variety'.
Frank revealed that he did not cope well with change - he got anxious easily.
I shared how I dealt with my anxiety by risk taking - not thinking much about negative things that could happen.
Frank said that he managed his anxiety by preparing thoroughly. But that he couldnt switch off - he would constantly think about what was coming up, and how to prepare.
I asked him about the context for this in his family (ie a Field question). He explained that his mother was very meticulous in preparing for things - in other words, thats how she managed her anxiety. The day before a school excursion, she would instruct him to make detailed preparations for the next day.
In other words, she taught him to be anxious, and also taught him how to deal with that anxiety.
He said 'this is the only option I have to deal with my anxiety'.
In Gestalt we are interested in expanding options. I asked if he would like more ways than one to deal with it.
So I invited members of the group to share how they dealt - in a healthy way - with anxiety. People shared many things.
These were new ideas for Frank. He was moved to see how many people struggled with anxiety, and in the process, he gained new options.
I suggested he consider these as a menu, and when he felt anxious, he could choose one.
Such behavioural choices are often the way that therapists head. Whilst expanding options is useful, it very much depends on more fundamental factors, including a person's readiness to do so, their resistance, emotional anchors etc. So its something I would monitor in ongoing therapy, to see if its as 'simple' as simply hearing new options. It may be, and it may be that the support of the group could be something that Frank would take in, and integrate.
I did want to take a second step with him, and not just leave it at a list of possible 'solutions', as expanded as that may be.
So I suggested that we now address something of his interpersonal anxiety.
I asked him to look around the group and notice who he felt least anxious with, and most anxious. I then invited him to ask those people to take part in an experiment. The person he was least anxious with I got to sit next to him. The one he was most anxious with - Mark - I asked to sit opposite him.
I suggested Frank tell Mark what it was about Mark that made Frank feel anxious.
He said that Mark reminded him of his father - who would yell at him and hit his hands when he got something wrong.
I invited Mark to reply. Mark said that he was different - he never hit his kids, and was not the kind of person to yell.
I checked with Frank for his feelings - he felt calmer.
We repeated this process several times, with Frank telling Mark what he was anxious about, and Mark telling Frank more about himself.
Frank felt calmer and calmer.
We carry around ideas of who other people are, but these often have elements of projection - disowned aspects of self. This was the first step for Frank in getting a reality check about his anxieties - which were generally based on his imagination. It also gave Frank the experience of how to deal with interpersonal anxieties - through open and authentic dialogue.
In Gestalt we talk about 'good contact'. This is an example. Being present with another person, sharing your fantasies, checking them out, getting feedback, hearing the reality of the other person. These are grounding experiences, seemingly simple, but rarely performed.
John was a young man; he raised the issue of his first girlfriend, who left him. He met her at University. Subsequently, he started a business, and invested some money that he had saved up from working. But now he had to close the business, and his girlfriend had left him, because she didn't feel he was successful enough.
Of course, this is just one half of the story. There were probably other things going on for her that she couldn't communicate, or he didn't understand. But anyway, this was his experience. He was heartbroken, and started crying as he was talking about the situation.
I responded to him, telling him I was touched by his openness and authenticity. He was being real, vulnerable, and I highlighted that this in itself was of great value. Whether he went on to become successful or not, this was something that I valued, and that I suggested a woman with similar values might consider important, perhaps more so than his net worth.
Again, he went to his sense of not being enough, of failing, and of losing a woman who mattered to him.
I was empathic - these losses feel very real, and difficult to navigate for anyone.
I also came back to the here and now. There was a young woman in the audience. When John talked about himself, so openly, I saw her nodding - I could see she was appreciating his honesty. And when I commented about the value of his authenticity, I could also see her nodding. So I pointed this out to him - that my feedback was being reinforced by a young woman in the group, who clearly echoed what I was saying.
She spoke up, and gave him some feedback to this effect as well.
The scene was very moving for everyone.
My focus on the present, on the actuality of who John is, and the way he brought himself to contact, helped to take him out of his story of woe, and his sense that he was not much good. This was reinforced by my feedback, and the feedback of the young woman.
There were introjects underneath his story of himself, but we would have to work with these another time.
What was important was to acknowledge his reality, his feelings, at the same time, bring him into contact, into relationship in the present.
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