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 Belinda had a lot of energy. I acknowledged that in this moment of contact with her, feeling my own experience of high energy, as well as my feelings of solidity, openness, interest, and feeling grounded. She said she felt those things as well, and acknowledged the connection between us in this place.
I said I was interested to see where else connection might be - thats one place, and I want to fill out the picture, with more detail, more complexity, rather than ride on the easiness of our similiarity in that regards.
Belinda said was curious about what we would do next; I remarked I felt the same, as I do not have an agenda for sessions or a plan.
I invited her to ground that curiousity in the present, and I would do the same. I invited her to ask me some questions about myself. I asked her what kind of work she did: she was a trainer. She then contributed that she was authentic, and courageous. These were starting points…but what I wanted then was to then find the grounded and specific versions of what this meant - I asked her for some examples.
She talked about how she was willing to break through her own limits, not stay stuck, even if it was difficult. Again, I wanted to bring that into the present, so I asked her what she felt as she told described this capacity she had. She reported feeling strong, lots of energy. She also said that the tips of her fingers were shaky.
So, there was a part of her which did not completely reflect her identifiation as strong and confident. I asked her to 'be' her shaky finger. Then she commented that she sometimes felt shaky when angry.
I asked what she might be angry about. She replied that she offered so much in her programs, but it was hard to enrol the numbers she wanted. She felt very frustrated by that.
I could understand, and I talked about my own experience of putting out something of quality, and feeling frustrated when I didnt get the numbers I wanted to enrol and take up my offerings.
This again created a place of connection between us, and she felt heard and understood.
I wanted to encourage her to keep going - the shakyness in her fingers indicated some important expression that needed to occur..and in Gestalt we exaggerate things in order to bring them more fully into awareness.
So I suggested extending her angry feelings into action - what would she do. She said she would like to wake people up…again I built on that, joining with her, saying how much I would like to do that as well, a 'zen slap'. She said she would like to shake people up. So I invited her into a thought experiment - to imagine 'waking up' people, by giving them a zen slap, and I got her into the mood by describing a picture of walking down the street doing that zen slap. With my encouragement, she imagined this for a minute.
She was delighted, and satisfied. She was expressing her anger, in a very specific way which expressed her frustrations.
She said she felt peaceful. It was a different kind of strength she felt now. Her comment was 'peaceful warrior'. This was the point of integration. Her energy, her normal high energy 'breakthrough' orientation, was now tempered with internal stillness and steadiness.
Bethany asked a question about how to deal with conflict with her mother. She said her mother would not listen to her - rearranged her personal items, even though she had told her many times not to do it.
I admitted that sometimes I was in that same position as her mother - not really listening to my wife for instance. I shared this in order to bring myself authentically into relationship with Bethany in an authentic way, and to set up a certain parallel that I had her mother in some ways, though I was admitting it my faults - not something her mother ever did. Doing this also put me in the spotlight and not just Bethany. This is important to foster the I-thou relationship - shifting exposure back to the therapist.
Rather than get into a discussion of the topic, I suggested we move into an experiment straight away. When a theme - or 'figure' in Gestalt terms - becomes clear, then we can move into action.
I suggested that I play the role of her mother. I invited her to make a direct statement about a specific example which she had conflict with her mother over: 'when you move my things', and her feeling - 'I get really angry'.
As she said this, her eyes started moving back and forth. She looked very angry.
Playing the role of her mother I owned my passive agressive behaviour, in a way that the mother would not normally. In this role as the mother, I said 'I know you want me to leave your things alone, but I am not going to. I dont really care that much about what you want, I am going to do what I want'.
Bethany settled down. She said she felt much calmer. She of course had never heard her mother own her defiance and aggression, so for me to give the inner voide to the mother's position was a moment of authentic contact.
Bethany then reported feeling sad. She looked incredibly sad to me. She started folding into herself, pulling her head down. I asked her to stay with me, to keep looking at me. This is important, that the emotion that arises stays in relationship, rather than the client collapsing into their world, alone.
As she looked at me, there was a very sharp look in her eyes. She reported feeling a lot of pain. I invited her to really let me 'see' her pain - to look at me, and show me through her eyes what she was feeling. As she did so, her emotion intensified and she was on the edge of being overwhelmed with it. I encouraged her to stay with me, looking at me. She said she found it hard to stay present. So I grounded her by asking her to look at my face - especially so she could see my eyes - there was so much feeling in her eyes that she was expressing. She found it hard.. I asked her to describe what she saw when she looked at my face, even prompting her. She did express that, and this brought her more into the present moment. Its important to ground people, especially when they are feeling very strong emotion. One of the ways is to use what we call the 'outer zone', which takes a person into their senses, and by doing so, brings them right into the present.
I the asked what might have happened that hurt her so much.
She didnt know.
I didnt push her.
People become aware of details when they are ready to. In Gestalt we dont push past what the client is willing to bring into awareness…we bring them to the edge of that point, and give support, thats all.
So I came back to our connection, to what I saw in her eyes; as she talked about her pain, her eyes were moving back and forth, so I asked if there was some anger along with the pain. She had not been aware of it - another awareness limit most probably. And, we always respect those limits, and make contact with what is available from the client.
As we worked through this, Bethany felt more connected to her feelings, and to me. This was clearly important, as her connection with her parents was so fraught. There was much more to explore, especially about her anger. But that was for the future. We need to be content with significant - if small - steps of integration for clients, as we are not trying to 'prove something'
 Marcie spoke about her difficulties at work - she would get frustrated, angry, and then feel guilty about it. I enquired whether there was a 'should' there, and sure enough, this was the case - 'I shouldnt get angry'. This was a workplace etiquette sense that she had picked up, but it reinforced her family of origin messages. However, I neither wanted to get into the workplace dynamics, nor the field context - these would be appropriate for later work. Instead, I had noticed, as she was describing her difficulties, she was using one hand to show how she 'pushed away' her angry feelings. In Gestalt we pay attention to the phenomenology of the person, in the present moment - Fritz Perls defined Gestalt as 'the philosophy of the obvious'. In this case, the most obvious thing was her hand movements. So I pointed this out, asked her to do it again, and enquired as to what she felt doing it. This is an invitation to take the person more deeply into their experience, to bring awareness to expressions that are usually out of awareness. Marcie reported feeling tense inside. I could see she was holding her breath, so I encouraged her to breathe more deeply. Next I pointed out that this was not just an action of resistance, but, as with all such phenomena, had its own validity. In Gestalt we are always *for* actions, and try to go with the flow of them, looking for the positive side of the 'creative adjustment'. Gestalt is defined as 'therapy without resistance' - a kind of Daoist attitude. I asked her to do the action again, stay with her feelings, and notice what words came up. The sentence was 'you are not respecting me'. This now became apparent - the pushing away motion was in fact an attempt to draw a boundary - likely a healthy one. It was in response to someone stepping over her boundary. Thus the pushing away was actually an appropriate and natural organismic response. As I reframed, this, and asked her to do it again, she started feeling more positive. Now I offered her a sentence (called 'directed dialogue'). I suggested she try saying 'I respect myself by drawing a line where you step over my limits'. She felt much clearer and stronger saying this. We went on to deal with related matters.. By working in this way, the therapist never pushes, but follows. In this sense, we are working with the person as they are, and finding the healthy organismic dynamic, inside of what may at times appear to be dysfunctional behaviour. When this comes to awareness, there is support for something different to happen, but this occurs from the inside, rather than from our helpfulness, our wisdom, or some kind of more fleeting cognitively derived insight.
 When Belinda was 16, she met a boy from another church, and fell in love.
There was a ban in their religion on premarital sex. Time went by, and they wanted to get married. He bought some furniture, in preparation for moving in together. But he wouldn't have any intimate contact, due to church rules. At 23, Belinda took him away on a holiday, and wanted to be intimate. He refused. She was upset and angry. Then she left him. Later he came after her, but she already had another boyfriend, it was too late.
But, 40 years later, she still felt very unfinished about it. Now she was married, with kids, but was recently thinking about him. She knew she would never be with him, but there was still the longing. And the pain.
I enquired - why didn't you get married?
Belinda said it was because he didn't want to move away from his family, and she didn't want to move in with them. At 23 she begged him to come away with her, and just be poor. But he wouldn't.
I pointed out that there were three levels of responsibility - individual existential responsibility, responsibility in their co-created situation, and then the church's responsibility for interfering in their personal and relational development.
Belinda described how she now has has her own spirituality - not part of the church. She now believes that sex is ok, as part of the fullness of a spiritual life.
So in the first experiment I suggested that she put church on a chair. I invited her to tell the church 'you interfered with my intimate life, and thats not ok. I don't agree with your beliefs, and am angry that you came between my love and I. Your teachings are responsible for my pain during those years.'
Then invited Belinda to put her first boyfriend on the chair. I suggested that she give him his responsibility (his timidity, his unwillingness to do what it took to make a life together, his unthinking adherence to church doctrine), and to declare her responsibility in that situation.
Finally we spoke about what Belinda could do in future; she needed to do something with her unfinished longing - the spark that still remained, unfinished. She needed to do something creative, to redirect it. This would shape some of the future work with her.
 Julieanne talked about having 'demons'. She said she wanted to exorcise them.
Now I dont 'believe' in demons, but I do accept that this was her meaning framework. In a Gestalt-phenomenological approach, we want to understand the clients reality, from within, rather than using external reference points. So I wanted to know just what she meant by 'demons' and by 'exorcising'.
She explained that she visited a psychic/Tarot reader, with a friend. The psychic told her, 'you have not come here to support your friend, but its you who needs help. You have demons. They need to be exorcised.'
The psychic person did some rituals in relation to this. But Julieanne couldnt sleep very well after than. The exorcism had not 'been successful.'
I told Julieanne, 'we all have demons'. I talked about some of mine - what I call my 'axe-man'. That is, the part of me which is destructive to others.
It was very helpful for her to hear this, for me to talk about that part of myself.
I explained to her that from a Gestalt point of view, we never 'get rid of' our demons. Rather, we need to become interested in them.
So, I invited her to do an experiment to bring one of her demons out..to bring it into the room.
So she described one which she said was a Giant. I asked what it looked like - she said It had a gnome's face. I asked her to look at the Giant. She said that he was turning his head - he was shy!!
She wanted to ask him a question. But in Gestalt we always encourage people to make statements - its more representative of self, and facilitates dialogue better than questions.
So she said 'I see you are shy'.
He got angry.
I asked her to make a statement about herself - she was nervous. Afraid of him.
I invited her to tell him that.
They both laughed!
She was still nervous however. I asked what exactly she was afraid of - this is important to move from global fear, to a grounded and specific fear - this facilitates contact.
She started talking about her anger - when she gets angry she gets very strong, and is very scary.
I asked - so will he be scared of you when you are angry.
Julieanne said, 'no, he will laugh'.
She was delighted. In fact, the Giant was available for contact in the place where she couldnt normally find it, in her anger. By allowing herself to experience this 'demon', she was able to encounter the 'demon' of her own anger, and at the same time, feel a meeting in that place, rather than something to be 'exorcised'.
I asked how she felt - she said, 'I am glad he is there'.
This is the integration, that is the result of a Gestalt process. That which was alienated, becomes part of us, in a way which makes it accessible. So her anger is no longer something to be feared, projected or disowned. Its something she can even laugh about, feel lightness about.
This is true of all the things that people want to 'get rid of'. In Gestalt we are always looking for contact, ownership, and appreciation of those parts, no matter how 'demonic' they appear.
Julieanne talked about having 'demons'. She said she wanted to exorcise them.
Now I dont 'believe' in demons, but I do accept that this was her meaning framework. In a Gestalt-phenomenological approach, we want to understand the clients reality, from within, rather than using external reference points. So I wanted to know just what she meant by 'demons' and by 'exorcising'.
She explained that she visited a psychic/Tarot reader, with a friend. The psychic told her, 'you have not come here to support your friend, but its you who needs help. You have demons. They need to be exorcised.'
The psychic person did some rituals in relation to this. But Julieanne couldnt sleep very well after than. The exorcism had not 'been successful.'
I told Julieanne, 'we all have demons'. I talked about some of mine - what I call my 'axe-man'. That is, the part of me which is destructive to others.
It was very helpful for her to hear this, for me to talk about that part of myself.
I explained to her that from a Gestalt point of view, we never 'get rid of' our demons. Rather, we need to become interested in them.
So, I invited her to do an experiment to bring one of her demons out..to bring it into the room.
So she described one which she said was a Giant. I asked what it looked like - she said It had a gnome's face. I asked her to look at the Giant. She said that he was turning his head - he was shy!!
She wanted to ask him a question. But in Gestalt we always encourage people to make statements - its more representative of self, and facilitates dialogue better than questions.
So she said 'I see you are shy'.
He got angry.
I asked her to make a statement about herself - she was nervous. Afraid of him.
I invited her to tell him that.
They both laughed!
She was still nervous however. I asked what exactly she was afraid of - this is important to move from global fear, to a grounded and specific fear - this facilitates contact.
She started talking about her anger - when she gets angry she gets very strong, and is very scary.
I asked - so will he be scared of you when you are angry.
Julieanne said, 'no, he will laugh'.
She was delighted. In fact, the Giant was available for contact in the place where she couldnt normally find it, in her anger. By allowing herself to experience this 'demon', she was able to encounter the 'demon' of her own anger, and at the same time, feel a meeting in that place, rather than something to be 'exorcised'.
I asked how she felt - she said, 'I am glad he is there'.
This is the integration, that is the result of a Gestalt process. That which was alienated, becomes part of us, in a way which makes it accessible. So her anger is no longer something to be feared, projected or disowned. Its something she can even laugh about, feel lightness about.
This is true of all the things that people want to 'get rid of'. In Gestalt we are always looking for contact, ownership, and appreciation of those parts, no matter how 'demonic' they appear.
 Ulan had an issue with her mother. Ulan believed in Buddhist philosophy, while her mother was a deeply Catholic, and believed her daughter would go to hell because she was not a Christian. Her mother was very oriented towards the afterlife.
Ulan saw her mother every day - her workplace next was right next to her mother's house.
It was very painful for Ulan that she couldn't share anything about her faith with her mother, for fear she would be judged and rejected.
I asked her where she felt this pain. She replied it was in her chest.
Ulan was middle aged, without children. She had married at 40. Her mother had not participated in the wedding plans, because Ulan's fiancé was divorced, and not in a member of the church.
A decade later, when Ulan got divorced, her mother said, 'why are you sad, you were never really married in the first place'.
Needless to say, these were very painful words for Ulan to hear.
As I listened to her story, I was aware of a number of threads. Ulan seemed very much still oriented towards her mother, looking to her for approval etc. Whilst to some degree this may be normal, it seemed to me that Ulan was heavily invested in this need.
I shared my own need of approval from father. Even in my middle age, it is still hard to let go of such a need. I also shared about my own struggles to get recognition from him regarding the validity of my own spiritual path. I never got that recognition, and no amount of rational argument made any difference.
Then I asked about her spirituality, and practices. She explained that she sees God as being loving and accepting and non-judgemental. Ulan prayed regularly.
I set a scene for increased receptivity; I explained that meditation is like listening to God.
So I invited Ulan into an experiment - to feel the emotional pain, and at same time, allow Gods presence - unconditional, non-judgemental, loving - to let that in, be receptive.
I also do parallel work. As I invited her to do this experiment, I also tried the same thing for myself.
Ulan felt profoundly transformed by the experience. She could experience compassion for mother, rather than grief and distress. It was a kind of spiritual experience. Afterwards she felt peaceful.
I gave her some homework - now that her emotional needs were able to be addressed from a spiritual source, she could then potentially be interested in the world of her mother.
I suggest that she ask her mother many details; for instance - what will heaven be like, what will you do, will you eat, where will you sleep, will God be there?˙
In this way, she could find relationship where it is available - in the place where her mother is. She is not going to get that same thing from her mother.
This session contained many aspects.
Firstly, a place of difficult pain, one that is very hard to shift, because its connected to core longings we all have, and at the same time, faced with limits to a parent's ability to be there for us. This pain was exemplified by Ulan's mother's lack of willingness to recognise her marriage, and her lack of empathy for the pain of it being over.
This represents a situation where the 'internal parent' figure is harsh rather than loving. One way to deal with this is to slowly build up ground in the therapeutic relationship, so the client gets to have a somewhat different experience - empathy for their pain, rather than rejection.
However, this takes a great deal of time.
What I could do in this initial contact was firstly share my own pain, in a way which allowed a kind of I-thou contact, creating a base for our therapeutic encounter. Then, I used the spirituality that was so important to Ulan, to bring in the experience of being 'held' in the place of pain. Setting this up correctly as an experiment means that it is not just mental fantasy, but actually allows the client to have a spiritual and therefore transformative experience.
With this new internalisation of care, then I can point the client to where relationship is available - by being interested in her mother's reality, and building a bridge to that. Normally, this would be a reversal of the parent child relationship, and therefore not be completely healthy. But Ulan was a mature woman, and with the added support of this internal experience, she could let go some of her longing from her mother, and instead use her adult functioning to build relationship where it was actually available.
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