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 Frank was nervous, so I invited him to ask me a question. I often prefer to take the focus off of the client, and put it onto myself. A good way to do this is to stop asking the client questions, and ask them to question me.
Frank wanted to know how I dealt with traveling so much - the changes in time zones etc, and still keep healthy. I explained some of the factors - I enjoy travel, am flexible, meditate and have a good diet.
I also said, 'I like change and variety'.
Frank revealed that he did not cope well with change - he got anxious easily.
I shared how I dealt with my anxiety by risk taking - not thinking much about negative things that could happen.
Frank said that he managed his anxiety by preparing thoroughly. But that he couldnt switch off - he would constantly think about what was coming up, and how to prepare.
I asked him about the context for this in his family (ie a Field question). He explained that his mother was very meticulous in preparing for things - in other words, thats how she managed her anxiety. The day before a school excursion, she would instruct him to make detailed preparations for the next day.
In other words, she taught him to be anxious, and also taught him how to deal with that anxiety.
He said 'this is the only option I have to deal with my anxiety'.
In Gestalt we are interested in expanding options. I asked if he would like more ways than one to deal with it.
So I invited members of the group to share how they dealt - in a healthy way - with anxiety. People shared many things.
These were new ideas for Frank. He was moved to see how many people struggled with anxiety, and in the process, he gained new options.
I suggested he consider these as a menu, and when he felt anxious, he could choose one.
Such behavioural choices are often the way that therapists head. Whilst expanding options is useful, it very much depends on more fundamental factors, including a person's readiness to do so, their resistance, emotional anchors etc. So its something I would monitor in ongoing therapy, to see if its as 'simple' as simply hearing new options. It may be, and it may be that the support of the group could be something that Frank would take in, and integrate.
I did want to take a second step with him, and not just leave it at a list of possible 'solutions', as expanded as that may be.
So I suggested that we now address something of his interpersonal anxiety.
I asked him to look around the group and notice who he felt least anxious with, and most anxious. I then invited him to ask those people to take part in an experiment. The person he was least anxious with I got to sit next to him. The one he was most anxious with - Mark - I asked to sit opposite him.
I suggested Frank tell Mark what it was about Mark that made Frank feel anxious.
He said that Mark reminded him of his father - who would yell at him and hit his hands when he got something wrong.
I invited Mark to reply. Mark said that he was different - he never hit his kids, and was not the kind of person to yell.
I checked with Frank for his feelings - he felt calmer.
We repeated this process several times, with Frank telling Mark what he was anxious about, and Mark telling Frank more about himself.
Frank felt calmer and calmer.
We carry around ideas of who other people are, but these often have elements of projection - disowned aspects of self. This was the first step for Frank in getting a reality check about his anxieties - which were generally based on his imagination. It also gave Frank the experience of how to deal with interpersonal anxieties - through open and authentic dialogue.
In Gestalt we talk about 'good contact'. This is an example. Being present with another person, sharing your fantasies, checking them out, getting feedback, hearing the reality of the other person. These are grounding experiences, seemingly simple, but rarely performed.
John was a young man; he raised the issue of his first girlfriend, who left him. He met her at University. Subsequently, he started a business, and invested some money that he had saved up from working. But now he had to close the business, and his girlfriend had left him, because she didn't feel he was successful enough.
Of course, this is just one half of the story. There were probably other things going on for her that she couldn't communicate, or he didn't understand. But anyway, this was his experience. He was heartbroken, and started crying as he was talking about the situation.
I responded to him, telling him I was touched by his openness and authenticity. He was being real, vulnerable, and I highlighted that this in itself was of great value. Whether he went on to become successful or not, this was something that I valued, and that I suggested a woman with similar values might consider important, perhaps more so than his net worth.
Again, he went to his sense of not being enough, of failing, and of losing a woman who mattered to him.
I was empathic - these losses feel very real, and difficult to navigate for anyone.
I also came back to the here and now. There was a young woman in the audience. When John talked about himself, so openly, I saw her nodding - I could see she was appreciating his honesty. And when I commented about the value of his authenticity, I could also see her nodding. So I pointed this out to him - that my feedback was being reinforced by a young woman in the group, who clearly echoed what I was saying.
She spoke up, and gave him some feedback to this effect as well.
The scene was very moving for everyone.
My focus on the present, on the actuality of who John is, and the way he brought himself to contact, helped to take him out of his story of woe, and his sense that he was not much good. This was reinforced by my feedback, and the feedback of the young woman.
There were introjects underneath his story of himself, but we would have to work with these another time.
What was important was to acknowledge his reality, his feelings, at the same time, bring him into contact, into relationship in the present.
 Bruce was nervous. So I invited him to ask me a question. He wanted to know how I came to be a therapist.
I gave an answer on a number of levels; some of the details of when and how I became interested in therapy, how I into Gestalt, and then became a professional.
Bruce had said that he would like to be able to help others professionally, and that his goal was to beocme a counsellor.
He had used a variety of drugs for over 20 years, and now wanted to help others in the same position.
Firstly, I talked about the limitations of being a helper - how even though I was in the helping professions, and in the role of a professional helper, the Gestalt approach is more oriented towards 'being with what is', in an existential sense, than try to fix people up.
I outlined the limitations of the helping/fixing orientation, from Bert Hellinger's concerns with the superior position that involves, to Eric Berne's characterisation of helpers still being in the 'alcoholic game'. I talked about my own pleasure and perhaps compulsion to 'be helpful', and the ways I reflected critically on this at times.
I talked about all this as I wanted to give Bruce a self reflective orientation to entering the helping professions, and therapy in particular.
I also talked about the breadth of his life experience being very useful, to the degree to which he 'digested' it - cognitively making sense of it all, emotionally healing the traumas and unfinished business, and somatically, integrating the various blocks of energy in his body. It is this digestion/integration process which is more important to the practice of therapy, than the techniques, skills or theories.
As Buber says:
'The deciding reality is the therapist, not the methods. Without methods one is a dilettante. I am for methods, but just in order to use them not to believe in them'.
I then suggested I could do a very small piece of somatic work with him.
There were a number of years worth of 'digesting' therapy work that I could do with Bruce, but I wanted to just do something for now, that would be useful, but not open up the whole world of his addictions, their context, and the impacts on multiple levels.
So I asked him to think about the first time he used drugs (12 years old).
As he did so, I asked what he felt in his body.
He reported shrinking (crossed his arms and pulled his body in) and a shaky feeling in his solar plexus.
I asked what the shaking and shrinking were in relation to; he said 'protection'.
So I asked him to put both hands over his solar plexus and breathe.
He said there was 'everything' in there - justice, sadness, fear, longing. I didnt want to go into all that - a lot of therapeutic work. But I put my own hands over my solar plexus, to try to get a sense of what that might be like. This kind of extension of experience is called 'inclusion' in Gestalt, and its useful to do in a Gestalt experiment - alongside the client, joining with them.
I could get some sense of the wounding that Bruce may have felt, in order to protect himself through the use of drugs. I suggested this could be a self-therapy practice he could do himself. Its also a place I would revisit many times in subsequent therapy - the conjunction of pain, protection, feelings, and the somatic location of all of this.
This kind of bringing awareness to a key point in body-time is one of the central mechanisms of Gestalt process. Such awareness naturally leads to movement. We notice what might stop that movement ('creative adjustments'), and address that in the present - the way someone holds their breath, or squeezes muscles so they dont feel, or distract themselves by certain thoughts or behaviours. By bringing the interruptions also into awareness, we help restore the natural flow. Once someone is able to stay with this flow, they will naturally move towards their own healing. This is what we call 'organismic self regulation'.
 Nancy was wearing an outfit I really liked. It was made of soft, natural looking materials; the design was muted, complex and unusual. The style was a little bit traditional Chinese. So thats the first thing I noticed about her.
I told her so. I put it in terms of my experience looking at her clothes - what I felt and experienced.
She told me she was a clothes designer, and thus she had designed this outfit.
I told her I felt very comfortable with her designs, and really liked them. So I wondered about whether that meant that I would also be comfortable with who she was.
Nancy seemed very nervous. Her hands shook a little. She didnt say a great deal. She said she felt nervous, with me looking at her, and wondered what I was thinking. I explained that beyond my positive judgements about her design taste, I was just interested in being present with her, and letting things evolve.
I invited her to ask me some questions. She did, and I shared something about myself. I did this because I wanted to take the spotlight of of her. Her nervous state indicated to me the possibility of shame - especially indicated by her wanting to know what I thought. But rather than telling her more of my thinking, I moved to a greater degree of vulnerability, giving her the chance to find out from me what she wanted.
Nancy was concerned about what was going to happen next - where this was going.
I told her, I was not concerned. I was comfortable not having an agenda, and not knowing what we would work with, or how we would do it. This is the Gestalt way - to not operate according to a plan, to be present with what emerges.
Nancy relaxed a little.
In fact, she said that she realised how little she was actually present in relationship, most of the time. We sat there, in silence, for a minute.
Then she said that I reminded her of someone. Her father.
She explained that she had not really connected with him, not spent much time with him, avoided contact with him generally, and when he was dying, she mostly stayed away.
She said how bad she felt about this, guilty, sad.
I invited her to either talk to her father on a chair, or I could role play him. She elected for the latter.
So, I invited her to tell 'me/father' whatever it was that she really wanted to say, but couldnt before.
She immediately knelt on the floor in front of me, held my hands, put her head on my hands, and started crying.
She asked if she had to use words, or could just say things in her mind. I asked her to use words.
So she started talking about all the things she was sorry about, regretted, felt bad about: staying away, making excuses, not being there for him when he died, etc.
She was crying deeply, saying all this. She asked for forgiveness.
The the role of her father I told her that one thing that was important was that she forgive herself.
I told her that I could see a great deal of pain as she spoke. I told her that I also felt pain at her behaviour. And thus, the pain was shared. I also told her that, as her father, I was a little bit more responsible for the pain in our relationship, and that she must have been carrying some of it on my behalf. This comes from Family Constellation understanding of the greater responsibility of the parent for burdens.
I told her that I would carry my own pain, and what mattered to me was her finding her happiness.
This touched her deeply, and she let go a little.
I also said that for her to stay away as she had, she must be feeling something like anger. She denied this. So, either she was not in touch with this, and it would be explored in later therapy, or something else was going on in the system that masked this anger. However, this was enough for now, and I noted the issue for another time.
She felt much lighter - she had let go of something. She felt much strengthened. And she felt much more connected to her father.
Classical Gestalt uses the empty chair to do this kind of work. But I prefer to play roles myself, as I can then enter more fully into the client's world, and participate more actively in the Gestalt experiment.
Although there was clearly a context to her distancing from her father, it is important in a Gestalt session to just tackle one thing at a time. To try to attempt too much leaves insufficient room for integration. We are more interested in what can be integrated than by covering a lot of ground.
 Nancy was wearing an outfit I really liked. It was made of soft, natural looking materials; the design was muted, complex and unusual. The style was a little bit traditional Chinese. So thats the first thing I noticed about her. I told her so. I put it in terms of my experience looking at her clothes - what I felt and experienced. She told me she was a clothes designer, and thus she had designed this outfit. I told her I felt very comfortable with her designs, and really liked them. So I wondered about whether that meant that I would also be comfortable with who she was. Nancy seemed very nervous. Her hands shook a little. She didnt say a great deal. She said she felt nervous, with me looking at her, and wondered what I was thinking. I explained that beyond my positive judgements about her design taste, I was just interested in being present with her, and letting things evolve. I invited her to ask me some questions. She did, and I shared something about myself. I did this because I wanted to take the spotlight of of her. Her nervous state indicated to me the possibility of shame - especially indicated by her wanting to know what I thought. But rather than telling her more of my thinking, I moved to a greater degree of vulnerability, giving her the chance to find out from me what she wanted. Nancy was concerned about what was going to happen next - where this was going. I told her, I was not concerned. I was comfortable not having an agenda, and not knowing what we would work with, or how we would do it. This is the Gestalt way - to not operate according to a plan, to be present with what emerges. Nancy relaxed a little. In fact, she said that she realised how little she was actually present in relationship, most of the time. We sat there, in silence, for a minute. Then she said that I reminded her of someone. Her father. She explained that she had not really connected with him, not spent much time with him, avoided contact with him generally, and when he was dying, she mostly stayed away. She said how bad she felt about this, guilty, sad. I invited her to either talk to her father on a chair, or I could role play him. She elected for the latter. So, I invited her to tell 'me/father' whatever it was that she really wanted to say, but couldnt before. She immediately knelt on the floor in front of me, held my hands, put her head on my hands, and started crying. She asked if she had to use words, or could just say things in her mind. I asked her to use words. So she started talking about all the things she was sorry about, regretted, felt bad about: staying away, making excuses, not being there for him when he died, etc. She was crying deeply, saying all this. She asked for forgiveness. The the role of her father I told her that one thing that was important was that she forgive herself. I told her that I could see a great deal of pain as she spoke. I told her that I also felt pain at her behaviour. And thus, the pain was shared. I also told her that, as her father, I was a little bit more responsible for the pain in our relationship, and that she must have been carrying some of it on my behalf. This comes from Family Constellation understanding of the greater responsibility of the parent for burdens. I told her that I would carry my own pain, and what mattered to me was her finding her happiness. This touched her deeply, and she let go a little. I also said that for her to stay away as she had, she must be feeling something like anger. She denied this. So, either she was not in touch with this, and it would be explored in later therapy, or something else was going on in the system that masked this anger. However, this was enough for now, and I noted the issue for another time. She felt much lighter - she had let go of something. She felt much strengthened. And she felt much more connected to her father. Classical Gestalt uses the empty chair to do this kind of work. But I prefer to play roles myself, as I can then enter more fully into the client's world, and participate more actively in the Gestalt experiment. Although there was clearly a context to her distancing from her father, it is important in a Gestalt session to just tackle one thing at a time. To try to attempt too much leaves insufficient room for integration. We are more interested in what can be integrated than by covering a lot of ground.
 Belinda had a lot of energy. I acknowledged that in this moment of contact with her, feeling my own experience of high energy, as well as my feelings of solidity, openness, interest, and feeling grounded. She said she felt those things as well, and acknowledged the connection between us in this place.
I said I was interested to see where else connection might be - thats one place, and I want to fill out the picture, with more detail, more complexity, rather than ride on the easiness of our similiarity in that regards.
Belinda said was curious about what we would do next; I remarked I felt the same, as I do not have an agenda for sessions or a plan.
I invited her to ground that curiousity in the present, and I would do the same. I invited her to ask me some questions about myself. I asked her what kind of work she did: she was a trainer. She then contributed that she was authentic, and courageous. These were starting points…but what I wanted then was to then find the grounded and specific versions of what this meant - I asked her for some examples.
She talked about how she was willing to break through her own limits, not stay stuck, even if it was difficult. Again, I wanted to bring that into the present, so I asked her what she felt as she told described this capacity she had. She reported feeling strong, lots of energy. She also said that the tips of her fingers were shaky.
So, there was a part of her which did not completely reflect her identifiation as strong and confident. I asked her to 'be' her shaky finger. Then she commented that she sometimes felt shaky when angry.
I asked what she might be angry about. She replied that she offered so much in her programs, but it was hard to enrol the numbers she wanted. She felt very frustrated by that.
I could understand, and I talked about my own experience of putting out something of quality, and feeling frustrated when I didnt get the numbers I wanted to enrol and take up my offerings.
This again created a place of connection between us, and she felt heard and understood.
I wanted to encourage her to keep going - the shakyness in her fingers indicated some important expression that needed to occur..and in Gestalt we exaggerate things in order to bring them more fully into awareness.
So I suggested extending her angry feelings into action - what would she do. She said she would like to wake people up…again I built on that, joining with her, saying how much I would like to do that as well, a 'zen slap'. She said she would like to shake people up. So I invited her into a thought experiment - to imagine 'waking up' people, by giving them a zen slap, and I got her into the mood by describing a picture of walking down the street doing that zen slap. With my encouragement, she imagined this for a minute.
She was delighted, and satisfied. She was expressing her anger, in a very specific way which expressed her frustrations.
She said she felt peaceful. It was a different kind of strength she felt now. Her comment was 'peaceful warrior'. This was the point of integration. Her energy, her normal high energy 'breakthrough' orientation, was now tempered with internal stillness and steadiness.
Bethany asked a question about how to deal with conflict with her mother. She said her mother would not listen to her - rearranged her personal items, even though she had told her many times not to do it.
I admitted that sometimes I was in that same position as her mother - not really listening to my wife for instance. I shared this in order to bring myself authentically into relationship with Bethany in an authentic way, and to set up a certain parallel that I had her mother in some ways, though I was admitting it my faults - not something her mother ever did. Doing this also put me in the spotlight and not just Bethany. This is important to foster the I-thou relationship - shifting exposure back to the therapist.
Rather than get into a discussion of the topic, I suggested we move into an experiment straight away. When a theme - or 'figure' in Gestalt terms - becomes clear, then we can move into action.
I suggested that I play the role of her mother. I invited her to make a direct statement about a specific example which she had conflict with her mother over: 'when you move my things', and her feeling - 'I get really angry'.
As she said this, her eyes started moving back and forth. She looked very angry.
Playing the role of her mother I owned my passive agressive behaviour, in a way that the mother would not normally. In this role as the mother, I said 'I know you want me to leave your things alone, but I am not going to. I dont really care that much about what you want, I am going to do what I want'.
Bethany settled down. She said she felt much calmer. She of course had never heard her mother own her defiance and aggression, so for me to give the inner voide to the mother's position was a moment of authentic contact.
Bethany then reported feeling sad. She looked incredibly sad to me. She started folding into herself, pulling her head down. I asked her to stay with me, to keep looking at me. This is important, that the emotion that arises stays in relationship, rather than the client collapsing into their world, alone.
As she looked at me, there was a very sharp look in her eyes. She reported feeling a lot of pain. I invited her to really let me 'see' her pain - to look at me, and show me through her eyes what she was feeling. As she did so, her emotion intensified and she was on the edge of being overwhelmed with it. I encouraged her to stay with me, looking at me. She said she found it hard to stay present. So I grounded her by asking her to look at my face - especially so she could see my eyes - there was so much feeling in her eyes that she was expressing. She found it hard.. I asked her to describe what she saw when she looked at my face, even prompting her. She did express that, and this brought her more into the present moment. Its important to ground people, especially when they are feeling very strong emotion. One of the ways is to use what we call the 'outer zone', which takes a person into their senses, and by doing so, brings them right into the present.
I the asked what might have happened that hurt her so much.
She didnt know.
I didnt push her.
People become aware of details when they are ready to. In Gestalt we dont push past what the client is willing to bring into awareness…we bring them to the edge of that point, and give support, thats all.
So I came back to our connection, to what I saw in her eyes; as she talked about her pain, her eyes were moving back and forth, so I asked if there was some anger along with the pain. She had not been aware of it - another awareness limit most probably. And, we always respect those limits, and make contact with what is available from the client.
As we worked through this, Bethany felt more connected to her feelings, and to me. This was clearly important, as her connection with her parents was so fraught. There was much more to explore, especially about her anger. But that was for the future. We need to be content with significant - if small - steps of integration for clients, as we are not trying to 'prove something'
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