lifeworksgestaltl1

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Case #9 - The solution is not to give a solution


Jane has an adolescent son. She is having trouble motivating him, and is conflicted about whether to pressure him about doing well at school, or give him space to find his own level. He spends a lot of time on the internet.

She is asking me for advice, for solutions, and for guidance.

Of course, theres a part of me that would be happy to give her parenting advice - after all, I raised 5 children. Theres lots of opinions I have about what could be helpful.

However, I decline her invitation, and focus instead on her feelings as she tells me about the situation. She jumps around - remembering a positive experience in a parenting class, anticipating things not going well for her son. Its hard to keep her in the present, with me, and with her feelings.

I talk about some of my feelings when raising my adolescents. That creates some space for her to open up and talk  about being anxious and tense. But while doing so, she is smiling. I comment on what I see and what I hear, and ask her how that difference is for her. 

She talks about trying to put on a happy face, rather than always being worried and glum. To some degree this works for her.

But her tension shows that it also doesn't work enough. 

So I keep focusing on the present, on her experience, and talk about my own difficulties at the time of my kids being that age.

Little by little, she allows herself to feel more.  I ask her to breathe more deeply. 

She reports feeling lost. I suggest that rather than offering her solutions to get out of this lost place, I stay with her there for a while. I propose one minute, where we are both together in that place. 

She relaxes, and then starts to feel an internal warmth. I notice her hand on the side of her stomach, around the ribs. I bring her awareness to this point. Normally she feels anxiety and tension in her stomach. Now she feels warmth. I invite her to breathe this in more fully.

Now she is feeling more deeply, and then starts crying. She is opening up to be present with her deeper feelings. Both sadness and warmth are present.

This is the point of integration.

Finally, I offer her a parenting principle I learnt that was very helpful to me. Now she can receive it from a place of open heartedness, rather than as an intellectual idea.

The importance here is that rather than coming in with the solutions she kept wanting (and kept reporting that others had given her), I stayed her her resistance, invited her to stay with the present, stayed with her in her lostness, which allowed her to be more fully with herself in that place. The focus was relational rather than behavioural.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Blog Archive

© Lifeworks 2012

Contact: admin@learngestalt.com

Who is this blog for?

These case examples are for therapists, students and those working in the helping professions. The purpose is to show how the Gestalt approach works in practice, linking theory with clinical challenges.

Because this is aimed at a professional audience, the blog is available by subscription. Please enter your email address to receive free blog updates every time a new entry is added.

Gestalt therapy sessions

For personal therapy with me: www.qualityonlinetherapy.com

Enter your email address:

Delivered by FeedBurner

© Lifeworks 2012

Contact: admin@learngestalt.com

Languages:

HOME

Informed Consent & Rates

PROFESSIONAL TRAINING

Gestalt Therapy Defined

PROFESSIONAL SERVICES

PAYMENTS

OTHER STUFF

Links

Book:Advice for Men about Women

BLOGS

• English

Bahasa

Čeština

Deutsch

Español

Français

Greek ελληνικά

Hindi हिंदी

Magyar

Melayu

Italiano

Korean한국의

Polski

Português

Română

Russian Русский

Serbian српски

Chinese 中文

Japanese 日本語

Arabic العربية

English Bahasa České Deutsch Español Filipino Français ελληνικά हिंदी Magyar Melayu Italiano 한국의 Polski Português Română Русский српски 中文 日本語 العربية

If you are interested in following my travels/adventures in the course of my teaching work around the world, feel free to follow my Facebook Page!

vinaysmile

This Gestalt therapy blog is translated into multiple languages. You are welcome to subscribe

logosm1

Interested in Gestalt Therapy training?

Contact Us

Links

Career Decision Coaching

Here

and here

Lifeworks

Gestalt training and much more

http://www.depth.net.au

For Men

Here is a dedicated site for my book Understanding the Woman in Your Life

http://www.manlovesawoman.com

The Unvirtues

A site dedicated to this novel approach to the dynamics of self interest in relationship

http://www.unvirtues.com

Learn Gestalt

A site with Gestalt training professional development videos, available for CE points

http://www.learngestalt.com

We help people live more authentically

Want more? See the Archives column here

Gestalt therapy demonstration sessions

Touching pain and anger: https://youtu.be/3r-lsBhfzqY (40m)

Permission to feel: https://youtu.be/2rSNpLBAqj0 (54m)

Marriage after 50: https://youtu.be/JRb1mhmtIVQ (1h 17m)

Serafina - Angel wings: https://youtu.be/iY_FeviFRGQ (45m)

Barb Wire Tattoo: https://youtu.be/WlA9Xfgv6NM (37m)

A natural empath; vibrating with joy: https://youtu.be/tZCHRUrjJ7Y (39m)

Dealing with a metal spider: https://youtu.be/3Z9905IhYBA (51m)

Interactive group: https://youtu.be/G0DVb81X2tY (1h 57m)