lifeworksgestaltl1

Monday, June 9, 2014

Case #87 - The Good Husband and the True Love

Chuan had never done therapy before. He was a businessman. His father made things out of wood, and had an small farm. Chuan had fond memories of his early years, being with his family; his father liked hunting, so they had big dogs. But during middle school he moved to another place than his father, and missed him.
In school he had always been a top student, but had never received acknowledgement from his father.
Ten years ago his company had run into problems. His wife and daughter were living in their hometown, and he was in the city trying to deal with a financial disaster in his company. He started drinking regularly, and fell into a depression for a year.
At the end of this terrible year of depression he met his father at Spring Festival. His father asked straight away - 'whats the problem? Are you getting divorced?' Chuan replied 'just a few problems at work'. But his father did not believe him, and pressed him.
His father shocked Chuan by saying to him, 'I trust you. I believe in you.' He also said, 'if its not working in the marriage, its ok to get divorced'.
This had a huge impact; Chuan stopped drinking, and started turning his business around.
However, there was indeed a problem in his marraige, and Chuan did not feel he could really talk to his father about it.
HIs wife had been his classmate. She got pregnant, and out of duty he married her. She was a kind person, nice to his family, and a good mother to their daughter. He had reluctantly married, and now felt 'kidnapped'. He didnt want to let anyone down, but he was unhappy. I asked how bad it was - 3 out of 10 he replied. Sex had dried up years ago. And he simply wasnt attracted to her. He felt more like brother and sister.
This was not a marriage that could be reignited, because there was never much of a spark originally. In some rare circumstances, it might be possible. But the situation was that he came out in a cold sweat if he hugged her - there was so little attraction there. He respected her, but only as a companion.
However, his strong family values kept him in the marriage, and his need to be a 'good boy'.
He also declared that he didnt want to hurt his daughter, he didnt want to lose her, and he didnt want to hurt his wife.
He was indeed trapped.
I asked him to name the two parts of him in conflict: the 'Good Husband', and 'True Love'.
I invited him to select two objects in the room to represent these polarities, and I then facilitated him to have a dialogue between the two parts. At first, it was simply a reiteration of the endless arguement between those warring parts.
I  pointed out  that this argument could go on eternally, but the two parts  had to come to an agreement - which I likened to a business negotiation.
After some discussion, the two parts came to an agreement: *True Love* would give *Good Husband* a year to sort things out. *Good Husband* agreed to talk with his wife about these matters.
However, I could see Chuan's fear about actually having this talk, as he knew that doing so would indeed pain his wife, and would probably spell the beginning of the end of their marriage.
At this point Chuan became very uncomfortable, and a bit dizzy. He had to stand up and walk around. He looked around the room, and said, 'I dont like a room with no windows'. I explained that there was a window behind the curtain. That relieved him a bit.
I then took some time to tell him about my experience of divorce. He interrupted me at  and asked about the ring around my neck. I explained I got it in Englad, when visiting my second daughter's graduation.
I told him that although the divorce was difficult, my children had not ultimately been damanged - they had gone on to do well.. and that I had found true love myself. I told him honestly about the difficulties I had faced, and that my ex-wife had faced, in the process of divorce.
In playing the 'father' role in the therapy, I was reinforcing the message that it was ok to divorce.
I will generally do whatever I can to help a couple stay together and have a healthy relationship. But sometimes, if this is really anti-life in terms of a constriction of their lifeforce and ability to live authentically, then I support someone to consider divorce.
Chuan was very relieved at the end of this. He said that what really caught his attention was two things - when I said that there was in fact a window in the room, and when he had asked about my ring.
It is in these interpersonal and symbolic moments that touched him. Triggered by his question about my ring, hearing about my own experience of divorce helped him out of his fear and stuckness - this was a dialogical part of the therapy, which involved my own self revelation, about my own story. A therapist has to be very careful about telling their own story, but on occasion, that can be very helpful for the client - thats the measure.
The symbology of the window being open was also very important to him. He felt suffocated, and I introduced the possiblity that there was a way out, even if hidden. This is something we could work on in subsequent therapy.
The facilitated dialogue between the two parts of him was also key - two warring elements that could never meet. The therapy gives the opportunity for them to come into contact, but this requires a lot of support from the therapist to facilitate this meeting, much like a real meeting between two warring people.
The significance of his father in all this was also a part of the complexity of the therapy. The support his father gave - including the acknowledgement of Chuan - was important in his change. So this signalled the importance of the role I could play as a 'father figure', and the impact I could have in the support I gave him.



No comments:

Post a Comment

© Lifeworks 2012

Contact: admin@learngestalt.com

Who is this blog for?

These case examples are for therapists, students and those working in the helping professions. The purpose is to show how the Gestalt approach works in practice, linking theory with clinical challenges.

Because this is aimed at a professional audience, the blog is available by subscription. Please enter your email address to receive free blog updates every time a new entry is added.

Gestalt therapy sessions

For personal therapy with me: www.qualityonlinetherapy.com

Enter your email address:

Delivered by FeedBurner

© Lifeworks 2012

Contact: admin@learngestalt.com

Languages:

HOME

Informed Consent & Rates

PROFESSIONAL TRAINING

Gestalt Therapy Defined

PROFESSIONAL SERVICES

PAYMENTS

OTHER STUFF

Links

Book:Advice for Men about Women

BLOGS

• English

Bahasa

Čeština

Deutsch

Español

Français

Greek ελληνικά

Hindi हिंदी

Magyar

Melayu

Italiano

Korean한국의

Polski

Português

Română

Russian Русский

Serbian српски

Chinese 中文

Japanese 日本語

Arabic العربية

English Bahasa České Deutsch Español Filipino Français ελληνικά हिंदी Magyar Melayu Italiano 한국의 Polski Português Română Русский српски 中文 日本語 العربية

If you are interested in following my travels/adventures in the course of my teaching work around the world, feel free to follow my Facebook Page!

vinaysmile

This Gestalt therapy blog is translated into multiple languages. You are welcome to subscribe

logosm1

Interested in Gestalt Therapy training?

Contact Us

Links

Career Decision Coaching

Here

and here

Lifeworks

Gestalt training and much more

http://www.depth.net.au

For Men

Here is a dedicated site for my book Understanding the Woman in Your Life

http://www.manlovesawoman.com

The Unvirtues

A site dedicated to this novel approach to the dynamics of self interest in relationship

http://www.unvirtues.com

Learn Gestalt

A site with Gestalt training professional development videos, available for CE points

http://www.learngestalt.com

We help people live more authentically

Want more? See the Archives column here

Gestalt therapy demonstration sessions

Touching pain and anger: https://youtu.be/3r-lsBhfzqY (40m)

Permission to feel: https://youtu.be/2rSNpLBAqj0 (54m)

Marriage after 50: https://youtu.be/JRb1mhmtIVQ (1h 17m)

Serafina - Angel wings: https://youtu.be/iY_FeviFRGQ (45m)

Barb Wire Tattoo: https://youtu.be/WlA9Xfgv6NM (37m)

A natural empath; vibrating with joy: https://youtu.be/tZCHRUrjJ7Y (39m)

Dealing with a metal spider: https://youtu.be/3Z9905IhYBA (51m)

Interactive group: https://youtu.be/G0DVb81X2tY (1h 57m)